Fire and Ice
by Allie Ielan
Summary: A kiss that was never supposed to happen. A kiss that doomed me to this misery. A kiss that changed my life. Sara/Sofia femslash.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Fire and Ice

**Author:** Allie Ielan

**Pairing: **Sara/Sofia

**Warning:** This is femslash, obviously, if you don't like it then I suggest you turn around and leave.

**Rating:** M - NC-17. It will get heavy in later chapters.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own CSI, please don't sue.

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**Chapter One - Sara**

I sigh lost in thought as I follow my best friend down the street. Around me the neon lights of Vegas are flashing and the tourists are laughing. Suddenly I smell a familiar perfume causing my heart to beat faster. I turn and think I catch a glimpse of blonde hair but I'm not sure. I sigh and turn around to find my best friend looking at me with concern written in her clear blue eyes.

"Sara?" She asks, "Are you ok?"

"Yeah Cat, I am." I attempt to smile at Catherine but know that I'm failing.

"You look like you just saw a ghost." Catherine steps forward and puts her hand on my arm.

I used to flinch away when she touched me, but now. Now I know she cares. She's sweet and I'm immensely grateful that I took the time to repair our friendship. It's still rocky and we still fight, but we're now best friends. I know I can count on her for anything. I told Catherine about my parents, how I was beaten and raped and how my mom killed my dad, and all she did was hug me. She's such an amazing woman, too bad she's straight.

"Sara?" Catherine looks even more worried now.

"Wha?" I ask yanking myself out of my thoughts.

"I've been trying to get your attention for five minutes, what's going on?"  
"I'm just thinking."  
"Let's go back to my place, you can crash there tonight."  
I nod and follow her the remaining distance to her car. I can't help but glance over my shoulder searching for the cause of all my distress.

-~-

I wake to a teenager jumping up and down on the bed.

"Go away." I growl into the pillow.

"Come on Sara! Get up!"

"I'm sleeping." Why does Lindsey have to be so obnoxious? Can't she tell that I'm trying to sleep?

"Sara!" The young blonde whines, "It's almost noon."

"And I was working last night. Go away." I growl burying my head even further into the pillow.

"Fine. I won't introduce you to my boyfriend." Lindsey starts to head to the door as what she said sinks in.

"Boyfriend?" I leap out of bed staring at her in shock.

Lindsey starts laughing at me, "Just kidding Sara, no boyfriend."

I glare at her, "You're far to young to be dating. That wasn't funny."

Lindsey giggles and trots out of the room, "Put some clothes on Sara, I'll be in the kitchen."

I glance down at what I'm wearing and blush at the lack of clothing.

"Oops" I mutter and head over to the closet.

I'm over at Catherine's so much that she gave me closet space in her guest room. She has a couple drawers for her stuff at my apartment. Of course she almost never stays at my apartment, only one bed. Not awkward for her, awkward for me. Catherine doesn't know I'm gay and I plan on keeping it that way. Yanking on a pair of jeans and a shirt I wander out to the kitchen. Lindsey is standing in front of the stove glaring at a pan.

"Hey Linds. Watcha doin?" I ask stifling a yawn.

"Trying to make a quesadilla, coffees in the pot." Lindsey nods toward the pot in a way very similar to her mother.

"Thanks." I mumble poring myself a cup.

I smile as I sip it, the girl can make a mean cup of coffee. Leaning back against the counter I watch as Lindsey cooks. She's not a very good cook, neither is Catherine, but as her moms best friend I just smile and endure it.

"God damnit!" Lindsey suddenly exclaims as her quesadilla lights on fire.

"Language!" I snap at her as I take the pan out of her hand.

Putting out the fire I toss the burned quesadilla in the trash.

"Sorry Sara." Lindsey is staring at the ground.

"Don't worry about it, I've burned food before." I give the girl a hug, "I'll help you make lunch. Go get your mom up, I'll get started."

"Thanks Sara." Lindsey snivels into my shoulder before heading towards her mom's bedroom.

I grin and start to get together stuff to make burgers. A few minutes later a blurry-eyed Catherine comes out followed by a bouncing Lindsey. I chuckle at the glare that Catherine gives her daughter, and hand Catherine a cup of coffee.

"Thanks." She mumbles sitting down at the table.

"Don't you love weekends?" I ask her sarcastically.

"Oh, yeah definitely. I love having my daughter wake me up this early." Catherine takes a long drink of her coffee and sighs.

Finally I set the burgers on the table. I pick up my veggie burger and watch in amazement as Lindsey practically drowns her burger in ketchup. Catherine notices as well and just smiles slightly.

"Think that's enough ketchup Linds?" I ask.

"Mmmf?" Lindsey says with her mouth full.

"Lindsey, don't speak with your mouth full." Catherine reprimands her.

After lunch Catherine cleans the dishes and I head home. My thoughts keep returning to a single memory. When I shut my eyes I can picture it as clear as day. The kiss that shouldn't have happened; the kiss that sent me down this road of misery. It was a few months ago after the miniature killer case. In particular it was after I was rescued.

-~-

_I'm in a helicopter, somewhere. I hear the paramedics talking and I feel someone take my hand. Looking down I see Grissom. I force myself to smile not wanting to flinch away from him but my whole body hates his touch. I know he loves me and it's my fault. I pretended to care for him and led him on. I particularly chose him because I did not think that he would ever return affections. I just wanted to hide the fact that I'm gay, and here I am. My friend's in love with me, and it's my fault._

_It's been a few days and I'm still stuck in this stupid hospital. Have I mentioned that I hate hospitals? Well I do. I spent too much time in them as a kid. Right now I hate hospitals even more. Grissom hasn't left my side since I came in here and I can't bring myself to tell him to go away. He confessed that he loved me and I just turned away. I'm hurting him I know. I should tell him what's up. But what if… No. Sidle. Tell him._

_"Grissom?" This is the first time I've spoken to him since I got here and I see the hope in his eyes._

_"Yes Sara?" He smiles at me and I feel guilty for what I'm about to do._

_"We need to talk." I look away to guilty to even face him._

_"About what honey?"_

_"Don't call me that." I can't help my tone of voice._

_"What? Why?" Grissom just looks confused._

_"Because I'm not your 'honey'." I say quietly._

_"But I love you and you love me." Grissom starts to understand what I'm saying but is still completely confused._

_Obviously he must really love me in order for him to express his emotions like that. It just makes this even harder._

_"I've never loved you Gil."_

_"But?" Grissom looks completely confused._

_"Gil, as my friend you should know. I used you. I'm sorry. Someday I'll explain why, but for now. For now just know its not you, its me."_

_That is the most cliché line ever, but its true. We're perfect for each other, except one minor issue. I'm gay. I really don't know how he would react to that so I think I'll keep it to myself._

_"But, Sara?" I can hear the pain in his voice._

_"I'm sorry Gil." I mumble._

_"I'll be going." He stands up looking lost and stumbles out of the room._

_I just lie there staring at the ceiling. I feel horrible, how could I have done that too him? I'm completely lost in my thoughts and I don't even hear the door open. I startle at the feeling of a hand on my shoulder and turn to look into bright blue eyes._

_"Sara you ok?" She asks in a quiet tone._

_"Yeah. I feel horrible though."_

_"What did you say to Grissom?" Her hand is still on my shoulder and I feel myself getting lost in her eyes._

_"Sara?" She asks._

_"What? Oh. I told him I didn't love him, never did, never will."_

_Why am I telling her this? We're barely even friends. And she's so close; I could kiss her by moving just a few inches. I want to kiss her, I really do. But she's probably not gay. Do I know? How could I know? I've never broached the subject with her. I really want to kiss her. And then to my surprise she kisses me. For a second I'm frozen in shock at the feel of Sofia's lips on mine, but then my body reacts. My good arm goes around her back kissing her back and my tongue touches her lips, begging for entrance. She grants it to me and I explore her mouth. All my sensations are on fire. I can feel every single point at which our bodies touch. And then suddenly she pulls away._

_"Sara, I'm sorry." Sofia says distancing herself from me._

_"Sofia, don't be. That was nice, more than nice." I struggle to find the words._

_"I, I got to go." And then Sofia practically runs out of the room leaving me in shock staring after her._

-~-

We've barely spoken since then. Every time she's on the scene that I'm working she avoids me. I've tried to speak to her but she's professional around me. Not a glimmer of the Sofia I know and love. Love? Do I? Does it matter anyways? She'll never love me back.

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**A/N:** I hope you enjoyed this. I'm not going to be updating this regularly, my main priority is Reality Check. But after I finish RC up I will make this my main story. Just wanted to taunt you with the first chapter :-P. I've never attempted to write CSI fanfiction before so please let me know what you think. Oh and I reject all episodes after Sara leaves and I reject GSR; screw cannon.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Thanks to my reviewers! Now before you continue onward be forwarned. My grammar is atrotious. One of my friends always loves to point out how often I mix up your and you're. And I know that's not the only thing I get wrong. Take my commas, or lack thereof, for example. Anyways now that I've rambled, enjoy chapter two.

**Disclaimer:** See chapter one.

Chapter Two – Sofia

I sigh as I walk down the crime lab hallway. Brass wants me to improve the relationship between the detectives and the CSI's so he sent me here. I'm supposed to "hang out" with the CSI's and try and be better friends with them. I argued with Brass that I'm not the one for the job, but no such luck. How am I supposed to face Sara? I've so far managed to avoid talking to her at all the crime scenes we've shared but I know that won't last. She makes it a point to try and talk to me and I deflect. I stop in the locker room and lean against a locker. Closing my eyes I allow myself to remember that moment. The moment that changed the way I feel about Sara, and about myself. It all started when Natalie captured her.

-~-

_"Curtis." I answer my phone with a sigh._

_"It's Brass. Sara's been kidnapped."_

_I freeze and my mind goes blank. Those three words echo through my head and I can't breathe. Sara and I are close, really close. And now she's captured. She might not survive. What the hell am I going to do if she doesn't survive? How can I live without her?_

_"Sofia?" Brass's worried voice yanks my out of my thoughts._

_"Sorry Brass. Where was she last seen? I'll go to the scene."_

_"No. I want you to come to my office."  
"But I can help find her. I need to." How can I not look for her? How can he do this to me?_

_"Sofia, my office. Now." And with that Brass hangs up._

_What feels like years later I'm in Natalie Davis's home. I hate this. Brass is making me go to her home when I could be searching for Sara. I take a deep breath and continue looking around. My thoughts continue to wander. I'm going to kill myself with my worrying. It's cold and pouring rain outside. My phone rings and I answer it praying for good news._

_"Curtis."_

_"We found her!" Brass is ecstatic but I just feel numb._

_"How is she?" I ask with no emotion._

_"Minor injuries, she's going to be ok. She's being taken to Desert Palms."_

_"Thanks Brass."_

_I shut my phone and the relief hits me. Before I know it I'm sitting on the floor sobbing. All the worry in me has been freed._

_I've been sitting in the hospital waiting room since Sara was brought in. The asshole named Grissom has been hogging her bedside. All I want to do is tell him to get lost and go to her side. But he's her boyfriend, or so I've heard. At that thought I feel something akin to jealousy. Why am I jealous? I have no reason to be jealous. With a sigh I lean back and look at her door wishing that Grissom would leave. Some higher power must like me because as I wish that the door opens and Grissom comes out. He's pale and shaking. He has a hollow look in his eyes and he just walks out of the hospital. I immediately fear the worst and run to Sara's door._

_Sara is lying on her bed staring at the ceiling. She looks guilty but happy. Strange. I tentatively put my hand on her shoulder and she turns to look at me. I feel myself drowning in her deep brown eyes._

_"Sara you ok?" I finally ask quietly_

_"Yeah. I feel horrible though." She sounds guilty._

_"What did you say to Grissom?" I keep my hand on her shoulder and give it a small squeeze. When Sara just looks at me for a while I remind her of my question, "Sara?"_

_"What? Oh. I told him I didn't love him, never did, never will."_

_She doesn't love Grissom! She never did! Never will! I realize how close we are and all my feelings come slamming in. Before I realize what's happening I lean in and kiss her. For a moment she doesn't respond and then she's kissing me back. Her arm goes around my back and she's pulling me close. Her tongue snakes out begging for entrance and I grant it. Every nerve in my body is on fire and I find myself unable to think. Then it hits me. I'm kissing Sara Sidle, a woman. I pull away as quickly as I can._

_"Sara, I'm sorry." I say backing away._

_"Sofia, don't be. That was nice, more than nice." Sara is looking at me intently and I try to not think about her words._

_"I, I got to go." I mutter and then I take off out the door._

_I somehow manage to make it back to my house. I grab a beer and lie down on the couch. I know that if I think then bad stuff will happen so I drown out all thoughts with alcohol. _

-~-

"Fia?" A soft voice calls from the doorway.

Nobodies called me Fia in a long time. I turn towards the door and am surprised to see Sara there.

"Hey Sara." I keep my tone neutral hoping to avoid what I know is coming.

"Look." She shuffles her feet staring at the ground, "I know that what… I… Can we talk?" She finally says.

I guess that now's as good a time as ever.

"Sure." I look everywhere but at Sara scared of what I'll see in her eyes.

"My shift just ended want to get breakfast?" Sara sounds just as nervous as I feel.

"Yeah, I guess."

"Come on then." Sara says grabbing my hand.

I let Sara lead me to her car and I don't object when she opens the passenger door for me.

The ride to the local diner is tense. No, tense is an understatement. When we finally pull into the diner's parking lot Sara turns and looks at me. I can feel her intense gaze boring into me. I avoid her eyes as I get out of the Tahoe and head towards the diner. I hear her trotting to catch up with me and I silently hold the door open for her. As she walks by I can't help it and my gaze trails down her back. Past her muscular shoulders and back to her perfect ass. With a shake of my head I firmly fix my gaze away from her and on the wall. Somehow we manage to make it to a corner booth and order. After the waiter has left we sit there avoiding each others eyes. Well, I'm avoiding hers… but I'm sure she's looking at me.

"Fia?" Sara says softly.

I bite my lip and try to gather the courage to say something. I know that if I say **anything** that I will just sound like a fool.

"I'm sorry." Sara said.

"Sorry about what?" I'm confused now. She hasn't done anything. It's all my fault we're in this fucked up mess.

"I'm sorry that I wanted to talk to you, to try and salvage what's left of our friendship."

Well great Curtis. Now she's hurt.

I give up looking at the wall, and turn to her. She may put on this tough look for the guys but underneath she's this wonderful sensitive woman. I can't stand the hurt look I see in her eyes.

"Sara." I begin but she cuts me off.

"No. I can't do this Sophia. What I did to Grissom was horrible, and now I know just how horrible he felt." I've never seen Sara this angry or hurt. "You kissed me Fia." She continues more softly, "It didn't feel like it meant nothing to you. Hell, it didn't mean nothing to me. It meant the world to me." Sara's voice starts to rise, "Why the fuck am I telling you any of this? You haven't talked to me since that day, you've gone out of your way to avoid me. I don't know what you want." Sara stops as the waiter nervously arrives with our food.

After he leaves she looks like she wants to start again so I decide that I better say something. "Sara, it didn't me nothing to me. You have to understand though, I'm not. Damnit. Can we go back?"

"Back?" She asks between bites of eggs.

"Back to before the damn miniture killer. Back to when I was a CSI." I realize how stupid that sounds as I say it.

"We can't go back Fia. What's done is done." I can't decipher the look Sara gives me as she says this. A part of me doesn't want to.

"Can we at least be friends?" I ask hesitantly.

"You're the one that's been avoiding me."

I wince as Sara says that.  
"It's not that I didn't want to talk to you." I mumble knowing she can see through the lie.

"Right. This was a mistake."

"I'm sorry." I say staring at my plate. For a moment I'm not sure if she heard me but then she settles back down in her seat.

"I know Fia. We may not be able to go back, but we can go forward." Sara reaches out and places her hand on mine. The simple gesture causes my heart to race and my face to burn, but I don't pull my hand away.

"Forward, that sounds good." I look up at her and smile.

When my eyes meet her dark brown ones I feel something in my chest. Something that scares me yet excites me. Stop your thoughts, it doesn't excite me in _that_ way. What scares me the most though is the look in her eyes. It's just a flash, but one flash can tell a CSI a lot. In that flash I saw everything a friend looks at you with… along with stuff that no friend looks at you with. Lust, passion, and, dare I say it, love.

**A/N:** See my grammar wasn't that bad, right? So don't be expecting updates to quickly. I've decided that I'm shooting for at least 40k words in Reality Check and combine that with the recent traumatic experience I had it may be awhile. Wow that sentence was horribly written. Whatever. Rather than beg for reviews per my usual MO I will simply say, "Look at that button. I wonder what happens if I press it? I'll press it if you press it. Ok? Ok. Oh! Look at how fun! Your turn!"


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